velvtally's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cursed If I don't speak, they don't hear me. If I don't wave, they don't see me. If I don't glow, they fall blind. Why? I'm tired of saying 'hello.' I'm tired of being the raging curiosity. I'm tired of being bright and flashing. If I don't act like my usual fluttering self, and steal away YOUR attention, you forget me. I decided to do a small test with ICQ earlier tonight. Usually, I'm the first one to say hello. I'm far to hyper and curious not to. But I didn't tonight. And not one of you said anything to me. None of my so called friends said a thing. Do you not see me? If I'm not always in your face, do you just assume my absense? That hurts. To know that if I go silent, none of you would care. Not one of you. And I don't want hurt and anger emails about this. Your the giulty ones not me. You ignored me. You hurt me. Because for one night, I wasn't there in front of you, asking my questions and pleading for thoughts. You who decided that my silence obviously meant my declining interest in you, you know who you are. How dare you think I don't care about you. How dare you toy with me that way. I care about you all, but obviously that isn't enough for you. I tire of having to provoke you to get any rise of emotion from you. Do I not feel? Does it not get lonely and cold when I search for you and you ignore me? How hard is it to say 'hello'? I'll go to bed now, realizing that my words won't be missed. And that if I had not warned you of my possible leaving for 4 weeks, NONE of you would have noticed. Ryan, possibly, but he has a HEART. Something the others of you no doubt do not posess. Nick, Perg, Dayna, Tori, Ryan, Aidan, Vlad, you are safe from this wrath. You and you alone care. For the rest of you, I dared to care about you. You dared to be too wrapped up in your worlds to notice. I'm a fool. Who gives her love away too easily. I should lock up and cut off. Loving so freely and needing that love back has done nothing but given me pain. Why do I care for these souls who could live on without me? My heart aches. None care. Tonight I'll sleep with Lucifer in my arms, Aidan in my ears, Nick in my heart, Ryan wafting in the air. I'll drug myself with pretty visions and go once again into the insanity of my mind. I'll drown these feelings with petty lust and tommorrow, I'll be fine. Then I will your bright and sparkling one again. And you will all forget this entry. You will all fail to remember the pain I felt this night. 11:45pm - October 14th 2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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