velvtally's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aslan I've decided to come back and add another chapter to my painfully boring online account of my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have a heart too big for my own good. I believe far too much in the kindness of modern day man. There is no kindness in modern day man. None. Save for the few souls I've found who manage to brighten and not dampen my day. (Nick, Ryan, Perg, Tori, Aidan.....you know who you are.) And, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I should stop caring so much about people whom I don't know. It's a fault. Something that will get me in trouble one of these days. And as cheesy as it sounds, I really do want to help. And to know that in most cases my help isn't wanted, hurts. As in Aslan's case. I know exactly what he's going thru, but right now he's in the stage where he no longer cares. I'm thinking that's not so bad. There has been ten thousand times when I have wanted to give up on humanity. And stop my bleeding heart for feeling sorry for the poor souls of this world. But I can't. I just can't. I can't just stop caring. That's not me. And a thousand people can close the door in my face. They can refuse my help. They can try to drag me down. I've even tried it. I've tried being cold and heartless and unfeeling. And it took away everything I had. The world doesn't turn for those of us who have shut off emotion. I'm just feeling as tho, maybe, I should choose another path in life. Obviously, no one needs me. Since I was 12 I've wanted to be a psychologist. That was (maybe still is) calling in life. When I was 13, until I was about 15,I was clinically depressed. It got to a point where I wanted nothing but to never breathe again. I stood on the edge of life, and held out my arms and waited to die. I went to therapy. On my own will. Which, not many depressed will do without someone forcing them. But my insides were bursted. I was so desperate for someone to understand this raging in me that I would have talked to walls, if they would talked back. I moved shortly after therapy started. I'm still odd inside, I always will be. The depression will come back, as it does every few months. And it will swell again, and hurt again, and tear me apart. But I'm ready. Becuase somewhere inside I know I have some sort of strength left. Becuase two years ago, someone listened to me and told me that I was strong, even when I was weak. That is my hope. That is my heart. That is what I've wanted to tell all those people in my life who hurt. Aslan, I have no clue what's happend to you but please let me help you. Nothing is worth what I went thru, and you can't possible go alone. Let me go with you. Hate me after but for now at least hear me. Aslan, please, please, I beg of you, listen. 10:02am - September 30th 2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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