velvtally's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longest Entry In History Of Man It's a new year now....I still feel like a damp washcloth, but I got wasted last night just for you, Aidan. Shot after shot, I never faultered. Vodka, rum or triple-sec, I never blinked or hinted at sickness. I kept grenadine near my lips at all times. I was a good soldier. I kept up with the big boys. I went to bed happy and numb and okay for once. Even though "numb" and "ripped" aren't the best way to discribe happiness, I still fell asleep in a blissful state. Last night, I smiled and danced and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and pretended I was fine. In my last few hours of 2001, I was euphorically numb. Be WARNED: *sigh* My loved one is officially worried for me. Ryan has his troops readied and armed. I feel so bad at times, letting everything bleed here on this page. It always suprises him...in the very not good way. He told me once, that when I get to a point where I dont want to write anymore, then I should just stop. He says I shouldn't feel obligated to write for anyone else then me. What if I want to stop becuase I'm afraid of hurting someone who loves me so much, that he couldn't see my injured parts if he tried? What is his answer to this? Sometimes I am brutally honest in my admittence to being completely out of control. I could always come back and delete was has been written, but it always feels like a travesity, it always feels wrong. But what do I know about "feeling"? I've been rambling pointlessly with no end or argument in site. No argument for my cause. What did I decide is my cause? I thought perhaps Aidan could tell me, being somewhat of an Oracle now. He has a niche for telling me what I already know and politely reminding that I know the rules by heart, I know all the inspirational sayings, that I know my solutions. I just need someone else to point them out. (Yet another personal flaw in my design.) Please, humor and endulge me while I take up a few pages trying to blabble out this one idea.) They, and when I say "they" I mean the elders of my chosen religious path, say that Gemini's have very interesting souls. They lead many lives, they reincarnate for centuries but always come to the world born under their signiture zodiac. This too, however, can be said for any soul and any sign. They also say, that all of us (us being all people populating the world) have soulmates. These soulmates are loves that transcend time, and it is a grand belief that we all have one soulmate. That this soulmate rarely ever joins us in one lifetime, but designs us to find another kindred spirit to live with and love for our lifespan. When you return to what your idea of the afterlife is: you ether return to your loved one, or you wait until they return from earth. I believe this. I believe Ryan is my soulmate. I believe that I have waited all my eternity to find him. I believe I planned to meet him, that I picked him, that I urged him to be born in my generation so that I could be with him when I came to earth. I believe he is my one true love. I love him more than anything, and I can honestly say that I will always do so even though I am only 17. Aidan, is a different story. Aidan is my twin. Not by the normal human, biological way but he is. (GETTING BACK TO A POINT SOON) I asked him when he returned, if this was our first lifetime "here" where we (Aidan & I) were both together. I know for a fact, that this isn't my first life, or my first trip to earth, but it never feels like that. Emotions always confuse me, and I wanted to believe that they did, becuase this life was my first to deal with. That this is was the first time I had to worry, or feel pain, or feel anguish and confusion. Wanting to believe something, just like wishing, does not make that something come true. Gemini spirits come together only when the need is dire, becuase we enjoy our independence and refuse to be caged. I believe that my need is dire. I believe that Aidan has returned becuase this life is going to kill me. "This is our last time around, Maille, I can feel it. No more hurt, no more reincarnation, no more earthly hell. We're through." - he says. The problem is, getting thru this life in the first place. The problem is finding what kept me able to handle my fears, and demons before I lost it. Why was I alright then, but not okay now? On my first day of the new year, this is my burning and unanswered question. Why me? Why now? But...I know why. The second I type it is when the voice in my head says "be/c it is meant to be". That is the universal answer but why is it the only answer I get? Isn't there something more? I'm tired of soul-searching, I'm tired of looking for justice inside of myself. I cannot better myself by looking inward, be/c there is nothing to find and the answer I need is not internal! It is external, it needs to be said. I need an answer with a name, with a tangible touch. The universe is not unfolding as it should. Why? 9:05 pm - January 01, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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